Sunday, October 23, 2011

Modern Medicis

Please, a moment to speak of the charm, wit, and overall good character of the cast of Jersey Shore, if I may. Some say it is a house of ill repute, an amoral den of Satan's minions and concubines. I beg to differ. It is the insidious production and editing staff that maligns their portraits.

How dare they!

May we not offer them the respect due of any other human being? Might we not begin with their true identities, rather than the degrading nicknames assigned by Music TeleVision, MTV, the great demonizers of New Jersey's Italian American citizens? Vincent Guadagnino, Samantha "Sweetheart" Giancola, Ronald Ortiz-Magro, Paul "D" DelVecchio, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, Michael "Situation" Sorrentino, Jennifer "JWoww" Farley, Deena Nicole Cortese, Angelina Pivarnick...Please find comfort in who you are. None of you are the whores and gigalos so deemed by the greater international public. Blast such manipulative presentation of "raw footage!" Why, just look at the photograph shown above. What class! Well-fitted suits, bosomy dresses exposing not the least bit of indiscretionary cleavage. Perhaps, the gentlemen left only top hats and monocles at home; the women, their shawls. I argue that these fine lads and lasses are our modern Medici family, renaissance men and women.

And, such charm and sophistication of language! Just listen to Ms. Giancola's mastery of alliteration when she says, "He f***ing said your feets are like f***ing Fred Flinstone. F*** you, you f***ing bastard." Ah, the darling little peach.

Or Vincent's chivalrous commentary, "He's ready to motorboat!" Do you not see the moral awareness of love-making and intimacy? Such articulation is surely that of a future diplomat, a world leader, a baron of America's Italian royalty.

Their acknowledgement of culture and religion, words of profound intelligence. "Vatican, that's the one that Leonardo da Vinci painted with his hand," said young Ronald of his travels in Italy. Few people fully grasp the magnitude of intricacies woven between art and architecture. But, Ronald, he is man of education and worldliness.

My good people, tread not on the lords and nobles of the Jersey Shore for they are the proud canaries in the coal mine...errr... No, no that won't do. They are the glorious royal albatrosses of high society. Oh, no, no, no, no. That's not right, either. They are the horsemen of righteousness and nobility. Alas, perhaps words and proverbs cannot duly characterize the wealth of civilization such fine people bring to our humble global community.


  1. I have no idea who they are, nor have I seen the programme.

    I suspect I'm not missing much.

  2. The thing is, those of us born in the garden state had to always deny that we didn't live near a garbage infested meadow, but now ... this damn show makes the smell of the turnpike a walk in the park. It seems like Jersey is now either all about the shore, or Chris Christie (why are they still asking him if he's going to run... I can't believe it still makes news..."Chris Christie... still not running")

  3. O.M.G.

    Thank you for this post. I could not have said it better myself. Such eloquence.